In a moment of conflict, frustration, or exhaustion, we can easily lose sight of the impact our words and actions have on our kids. We may be flooded with our own emotions and needs, such that we are not pausing to consider what is happening inside our child. We may be very aware of what is happening externally through their behavior, but not necessarily the internal thoughts and feelings they are having. Mindful parenting means we are recognizing the present moment, and for a parent this should include awareness of the child’s external and internal experience. This allows you to help your child grow in such awareness and choose next steps to address their emotional, physical, and relational needs in that moment.
Here two helpful questions to ask yourself when interacting with your child in these moments: (1) “How will my child describe this moment in the future if they are completing the sentence, ‘Remember when ________?’”
(2) “How do I want them to complete a ‘Remember when’ sentence about this moment?”
- Remember when I would get angry and Mom would …
- Remember when I was caught vaping and Dad said …
- Remember when I had a panic attack and Mom reacted by …
- Remember when I was anxious at school and got bad grades and Dad …
- Remember when we saw Mom and Dad fighting and they said …
- Remember when Mom and Dad told us they were getting a divorce…
I encourage you to consider what situations you are struggling with regarding your kids, and answer how you want them to finish this sentence. Reflect on what you want them to remember about the interactions you are having, and try to shape the experience to create that internal experience for them. I recognize this can be challenging; slowing down, digging deep for empathy when you just want them to follow your direction, or validating an emotion that doesn’t match the situation, but regardless is flooding their brain and making it difficult to problem-solve at the moment. We all have “Remember when” memories of childhood experiences with our parents, teachers, and friends, and using that frame can help you create the memory you want your child to have.